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Anti Molly

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[13 Nov 2001|06:57pm]

[ mood | frustrated ]

Why must I let him get to me the way he does??


I hate knowing he controls me the way he does... but every time I see his eyes, or hear his voice, or even see him online... I get butterflies in my stomach so bad that I feel sick.

I try talking to him... he tells me I'm too young... and then proceeds to go in depth about how in love with this girl he is. How doesn't he even see that it hurts me? Or does he KNOW it hurts this much and just enjoys seeing me suffer?

Either way, I know I love everything about him. The way he snores just a tiny bit as he falls asleep, the way he's so gentle and happy when he's holding his cat, the way he smiles and everything is better, just for a minute... the way he touches my arm and its like the sun bursts in my head... And I hate him for it all.

I hate him for ruining me. I feel like I can't be wholly attracted to anyone else but him... that there's a bit of me still hanging on to him wherever he goes...

I hate him for it.

1 comment|post comment

[12 Nov 2001|03:16am]
[ mood | apathetic ]

okay so i just joined.
im not gonna give a whole big long description about who i am & what i like. i'll just get straight to it.

i really need someone to vent to.. everyone is leaving me & i feel completely helpless. i have no idea what i'm doing in life or where i'm going. i feel so lost without someone to hold my hand all the way. he held my hand. for almost eight months. he broke up with me two weeks before my seventeenth birthday. my birthday, november eighth, is was our anniversary... that hurt a lot. somehow i was able to avoid thinking about him. we had only talked once since the breakup, and he decided to call me up on my birthday & say happy birthday. the conversation was short but it meant a lot to me. it felt so good to hear his voice. i had been getting over him. i had been doing so good. doing good without him, doing good not talking to him, trying to stay focused on everything else.. & tehn he ruined it all by ending our conversation with those three little words. i love you. i wanted so smack him. what right did he have to say he loved me? how can rip my heart out & ignore me for two weeks & then call me up & tell me he loves me? it made me sick to my stomach. but not because i was disgusted. all that pain & all those emotions i had been hiding so well came flooding out. i mumbled back that i loved him too & i hung up. i cried for hours. why did he do this to me? i was making progress. i was getting over him. & now there i was, curled up on my bed holding onto my pillow for dear life, wishing he never called. wishing he never existed. whiching i never picked the phone up. but it was too fucking late.

is it normal to be this hurt by such wonderful words? i never knew how much it fucking hurt to be in love with someone but not be with them... i make no fucking sense. i think i need to shut up now.

2 comments|post comment

[10 Nov 2001|06:36pm]

Your fucking pefection, it's making me sick.
Just thinking about how much I want to be in your perfect arms, seeing your fucking perfect smile.
It's making me want to vomit.
You're so gentle. Your fingers brushing back my hair.
So fucking wonderful. So perfect.
You would never want something so flawed. You fucking wonderful bastard.
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i know its over. but im not over it. [05 Nov 2001|11:49pm]

If I told you that I was thinking of moving east,
would you save a place for me?
I'll come home cause it's worse that I expected.
A place in my heart for my home to the west
where we'll watch the same sunsets,
and when I doubt...
I'll look east and lock my heart in a brass box
to newfound mass.
I'm breaking off but this is my home.
I'd do anything for you,
give you the world if I could.
Is that what you want me to do?
These bridges and boundaries are bringing me closer to you.

do you remember that song?
it all goes back to you.
anything thats wrong..
nothing was wrong until you knocked me on my ass.
i couldnt do that.
i couldnt never hurt you.

when will these senseless ramblings of a heart broken 18 year old end..
when will i be able to listen to this song..
and the millions of other songs that make me think of you.
and how you felt against me.

when will igrow up.

.... you promised me.
you.. fucking.. promised..

i think about you every night.
every day.
everything i touch has memories.
everything i see. smell. hear.
youre there.
i love you, you fucking self centered uncaring asshole.

i'll shut up one of these days.
2 comments|post comment

[03 Nov 2001|03:43pm]

[ mood | drained ]

After 10 months of dealing with Paul's shit, I finally got up the nerve to break up with him. I was very proud of myself.. but then guess what he just had to do to ruin the victory? Tell me he wanted to break up too. NO, Paul, you're not supposed to do that. It's not supposed to happen that way. I'm supposed to be strong and leave you wondering what went wrong. I'm supposed to break your heart and set you straight so that you know what you're doing is wrong, then you'll put yourself together and everything would be alright again.

But, no, you wanted to break up too.

How lovely is that? I thought that maybe just once I'd be able to leave a relationship without a shattered ego. But nope, that's still there. I wonder if he wanted to because he just doesn't care about me anymore, or it was too much to handle. For me, he was too much to worry about.. I still love him.

Why didn't anyone ever tell me that love hurt so much?

1 comment|post comment

is it me? [01 Nov 2001|09:32pm]

[ mood | sleepy ]

blah.. even though my name is molly i will not take offense to this..

im bored
i post constantly
i have no life
so.. yah thats it...

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[22 Oct 2001|07:46pm]

why did you have to do it?
leave me bruised and broken on the mat
its the final blow
you finally knocked me out
and i lie here, punch drunk
wondering in my delerious state
am i finally seeing you for the first time?

they say bad things come in 3's
but i'd have to disagree
it's been so many more than that
see theese scars?
they are from the ones before you
who made me think maybe i was special
only leave me lying alone in the ring

why now?
because you knew i was already down for the count?
or because you like to wath me suffer?
i thought you wanted to be with me
living in our apartment of bliss
listeing to punk rock
drinking cheap booze
not giving a fuck
or was that just another ploy to knock me out?

jab, hook, punch, block FUCK YOU


i pull up to the stop light
there you are at your bus stop
smoking your cigarette
listeing to your progressive rock

i hope you dont see mee
i dont want you to give me
that goofy smile and a friendly wave
that rips me in half

thats no way
to treat a girl
especially when you
broke her heart

you are wearing mittens
it's summer time
you were always crazy
like that

remember how you liked it
when i painted your toe nails?
and how you made me swear i wouldn't tell
that you kissed a boy?

common light
change green
i dont want him
to see me

oh if only it were so easy
to gun the engin and speed away
just like you walked away
from me
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[19 Oct 2001|12:45am]
i had always wondered what it would feel like to have everything youd ever hope for and ever cared about just slowly fade away and lose all meaning.

i must say.

its not all i thought it would be.
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[17 Oct 2001|12:15am]
youd think that after a month and a half
the tears would stop falling.
of course they dont.
ive given up on believing
they ever will.

i want to call you.
i want you to say youre sorry.
to say that youve been a wreck
and that you want to take it all back.

i want to have the strength the turn you down.

i know i wont get either.

i just want to be happy and not cry and not have to pretend im ok.

i want you back.
i dont care on what circumstances.
i just want you back.
i want you to want me back.

i want you to say you loved like you used to.
i want you to hold me
and drive through easton
and hold my hand
and poke me
and ask me a million times if im mad at you.

take me back.
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please dont leave me im not ready yet [14 Oct 2001|09:03pm]
[ mood | *sigh* ]

i really wish i didnt feel this way.
i wish you didnt feel the same way
coz now everything is fucked.
and i dont know what to do.
you say its not me
the reason youre acting this way.
but that doesnt make the nagging feeling in the back of my head go away.

i didnt mean to mess things up even more
i didnt mean to add yet another thing to the list.
and now you dont even want to see me.

and its because i told you.

i didnt even expect anything to come of it
i didnt expect for you to say you liked me back and ask me out.
i dont want that
i dont want a boyfriend now

but i still want to hang out with you
i still want to have another friend
i still want to walk down south st with you in the fall and buy obscure emo cds
and chase birds in the parks.

dont you want that too?
you said you did.
just not right now....

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[14 Oct 2001|08:03pm]
[ mood | aggravated ]

i said it yesterday. for the first time i said that i loved someone in that way. i didn't say it to him if i did he'd never want to talk to me again. why is it he started all this if he couldn't follow through?? he was the one to initiate it all and he was sooooo sweet, he was the first one to ever make me feel attractive and wanted and then it was over. then after i had moved away and gone on to someone else and gotten to the point where i could hear his name and not cry he starts it again. i don't know why he kissed me i only know that i can't turn him down. now i'm single and wanting him and he's single and wanting no one but yet we still fool around i know i'm being used but i can't stand to not have him in my life and i worry about him soooooo much. for some reason i feel like he needs me maybe i'm just crazy

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[13 Oct 2001|10:21pm]

Why is he doing what he is? He's throwing his life away and doesn't care one bit. He knows he's hurting me; I almost think he doesn't care. People tell me all the time, "You broke up, you don't have to worry about him anymore." But guess what.. I do care, and yes, we broke up but that doesn't stop us from being together every second we can and me sneaking him over after school. He's confusing me so much.. he says he doesn't want a girlfriend right now, yet he tells me that if he ever saw me with another boyfriend he would get him jumped. Why is he doing this? He's making it so hard for me to move on. I love him to death, but his actions are killing me inside. I don't want to hear about how many drugs you've done this weekend, Paul! That's why we broke up.. it's so stupid; drugs. I didn't agree with it. He tried to quit for awhile saying that he didn't want to lose me.. but here he is, doing drugs again, and getting kicked out of his house, and getting arrested.. then he comes crawling to me about how he wants to kill himself and how he hates everything he's doing, yet continues to do it.. He's such a fucking idiot.
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ode to evelyn (devilyn) [10 Oct 2001|10:32am]
[ mood | bitchy ]

you hands were cold,
just like your heart.

i should have
figured it out
along time ago.

but i was
too busy
trying to
keep warm.

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just a little pissy [10 Oct 2001|12:58am]

[ mood | awake ]

why do you toy with my emotions!
you know how i feel about you

"remember when we used to kiss? remember when our tongues would touch?... when we used to flirt hardcore!? remember the merry-go-round heather?"
Common heather remember all thsoe painful things I'm going to mention now c0z i know I have the upper hand? Fuck Phil..... you know i want you.. and now your just getting me back for leaving you.. yeah my ass you'll be dreaming of me tonight.... oh i wish you would

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[07 Oct 2001|11:55am]

[ mood | content ]

yesterday my friend and i were driving around at night and we were in my ex's neighbourhood so i turned down his street and we drove by his house shaking our fists in his general direction. believe it or not it felt SO good. got all of my agression out. i suggest you try it. i still hate him but i no longer want to cut off various parts of his body and mail them to his mother.

♥ liz

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the fall seasoning of emotion [05 Oct 2001|11:54am]

a slight twitch as your hand passes by
praying for a slip
a glancing blow to my soul
as your skin brushes mine
awakened, as from a dream
I find reality too harsh
to callous to contain
all that you are to me
I watch as you turn to walk away
seeing the knowing glance
the power in your eye
being a subject
a peasant in your royal court
subject to the whim
of your decree

I sit at the table
looking at you
unknowing of your mind
unwilling to pose a guess
hope turned to obsession
obsession turned to hate
hate turned...left me low

dirty as I am
thoughts of you purge
my mind of filth
perfect in every way
except one
lacking compassion
female to the core
you will follow your path

mystery surrounds
thinly veiled sex
physical desire fueling
conversation, and contemplation
subverted lust trapped in sarcasm
I escape with the click of a mouse

former and past are the loves
who held me most dear
occasional reoccurrences
break what was left of me
I smile, accepting of my fate

who hasn't spoke
who has been misunderstood
she told me plainly
my mind simply refused
unbeknownst to me

interest and fear
lies, and consequence
holding me
in reality
cause I'm not what I am
and she isn't even mine

love poems to the masses
from the ether
to the diseases
from the dying
suffer me to tell you
and find my voice
a sullen dirge of emotion
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hmph. [02 Oct 2001|11:32pm]
[ mood | blank ]

is it just me, shell, or does it seem like anti-molly has turned into a place for only me and you to bitch about these fucking guys.


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fuck. [02 Oct 2001|11:25pm]
[ mood | blank ]

well fuck me for loving you.
fuck that i gave you all i had.
everything i was.
fuck that you just cut off all communication.
you said forever...
or at least another couple months.
were those jokes a way of telling me what to expect?
pushing me away.
well fuck that.
i hope i never hear from you again.
or at least for another week or two.
even when i write about you it sucks

im contimplating ruining my life.

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and he stamps on each and every emotion. [02 Oct 2001|01:20am]
[ mood | confused ]

makes me so confused.
be mine.
but i thought you were.
if i could do it all over again...
what would i do differently?
i wouldn't stop.
my lips would never leave yours.
kiss me again.
i'm okay with us being what we are.
i'm okay with it.
i just want you to kiss me.
is that so much to ask?
i think so.
i think it might be.
my lips should have never left yours.

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[27 Sep 2001|10:57pm]
[ mood | refreshed ]

i feel hollow.
in the bottom of my stomache
i feel absolutely empty.
i havent felt like this since feb. 17th, maybe?
and i think it may be a good thing
coz maybe i finally got rid of you
this full feeling in my stomache
where i kept you
but im empty now
and right now i think being empty
is better than harboring you.

of course, i still think of you.
i still miss you.
but i dont want you back.
i dont want to hear from you again.
i dont want to see you again.
i want this empty feeling.
coz it lets me know you arent there anymore.

and maybe it's good to be empty
at least for now.
i need to learn how to be empty
and do deal with it.

im dealing with being empty.
and i like it.

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