(no subject)

Why must I let him get to me the way he does??


I hate knowing he controls me the way he does... but every time I see his eyes, or hear his voice, or even see him online... I get butterflies in my stomach so bad that I feel sick.

I try talking to him... he tells me I'm too young... and then proceeds to go in depth about how in love with this girl he is. How doesn't he even see that it hurts me? Or does he KNOW it hurts this much and just enjoys seeing me suffer?

Either way, I know I love everything about him. The way he snores just a tiny bit as he falls asleep, the way he's so gentle and happy when he's holding his cat, the way he smiles and everything is better, just for a minute... the way he touches my arm and its like the sun bursts in my head... And I hate him for it all.

I hate him for ruining me. I feel like I can't be wholly attracted to anyone else but him... that there's a bit of me still hanging on to him wherever he goes...

I hate him for it.
  • Current Music
    Fiona Apple - Criminal

(no subject)

okay so i just joined.
im not gonna give a whole big long description about who i am & what i like. i'll just get straight to it.

i really need someone to vent to.. everyone is leaving me & i feel completely helpless. i have no idea what i'm doing in life or where i'm going. i feel so lost without someone to hold my hand all the way. he held my hand. for almost eight months. he broke up with me two weeks before my seventeenth birthday. my birthday, november eighth, is was our anniversary... that hurt a lot. somehow i was able to avoid thinking about him. we had only talked once since the breakup, and he decided to call me up on my birthday & say happy birthday. the conversation was short but it meant a lot to me. it felt so good to hear his voice. i had been getting over him. i had been doing so good. doing good without him, doing good not talking to him, trying to stay focused on everything else.. & tehn he ruined it all by ending our conversation with those three little words. i love you. i wanted so smack him. what right did he have to say he loved me? how can rip my heart out & ignore me for two weeks & then call me up & tell me he loves me? it made me sick to my stomach. but not because i was disgusted. all that pain & all those emotions i had been hiding so well came flooding out. i mumbled back that i loved him too & i hung up. i cried for hours. why did he do this to me? i was making progress. i was getting over him. & now there i was, curled up on my bed holding onto my pillow for dear life, wishing he never called. wishing he never existed. whiching i never picked the phone up. but it was too fucking late.

is it normal to be this hurt by such wonderful words? i never knew how much it fucking hurt to be in love with someone but not be with them... i make no fucking sense. i think i need to shut up now.
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(no subject)

Your fucking pefection, it's making me sick.
Just thinking about how much I want to be in your perfect arms, seeing your fucking perfect smile.
It's making me want to vomit.
You're so gentle. Your fingers brushing back my hair.
So fucking wonderful. So perfect.
You would never want something so flawed. You fucking wonderful bastard.

i know its over. but im not over it.


If I told you that I was thinking of moving east,
would you save a place for me?
I'll come home cause it's worse that I expected.
A place in my heart for my home to the west
where we'll watch the same sunsets,
and when I doubt...
I'll look east and lock my heart in a brass box
to newfound mass.
I'm breaking off but this is my home.
I'd do anything for you,
give you the world if I could.
Is that what you want me to do?
These bridges and boundaries are bringing me closer to you.

do you remember that song?
it all goes back to you.
anything thats wrong..
nothing was wrong until you knocked me on my ass.
i couldnt do that.
i couldnt never hurt you.

when will these senseless ramblings of a heart broken 18 year old end..
when will i be able to listen to this song..
and the millions of other songs that make me think of you.
and how you felt against me.

when will igrow up.

.... you promised me.
you.. fucking.. promised..

i think about you every night.
every day.
everything i touch has memories.
everything i see. smell. hear.
youre there.
i love you, you fucking self centered uncaring asshole.

i'll shut up one of these days.
  • Current Music
    get up kids: forgive and forget

(no subject)

After 10 months of dealing with Paul's shit, I finally got up the nerve to break up with him. I was very proud of myself.. but then guess what he just had to do to ruin the victory? Tell me he wanted to break up too. NO, Paul, you're not supposed to do that. It's not supposed to happen that way. I'm supposed to be strong and leave you wondering what went wrong. I'm supposed to break your heart and set you straight so that you know what you're doing is wrong, then you'll put yourself together and everything would be alright again.

But, no, you wanted to break up too.

How lovely is that? I thought that maybe just once I'd be able to leave a relationship without a shattered ego. But nope, that's still there. I wonder if he wanted to because he just doesn't care about me anymore, or it was too much to handle. For me, he was too much to worry about.. I still love him.

Why didn't anyone ever tell me that love hurt so much?
  • Current Music
    jimmy eat world - ''bleed american''
pickles on paper © gwacamolly

is it me?

blah.. even though my name is molly i will not take offense to this..

im bored
i post constantly
i have no life
so.. yah thats it...
  • Current Music
    qta - my burned flag

(no subject)

why did you have to do it?
leave me bruised and broken on the mat
its the final blow
you finally knocked me out
and i lie here, punch drunk
wondering in my delerious state
am i finally seeing you for the first time?

they say bad things come in 3's
but i'd have to disagree
it's been so many more than that
see theese scars?
they are from the ones before you
who made me think maybe i was special
only leave me lying alone in the ring

why now?
because you knew i was already down for the count?
or because you like to wath me suffer?
i thought you wanted to be with me
living in our apartment of bliss
listeing to punk rock
drinking cheap booze
not giving a fuck
or was that just another ploy to knock me out?

jab, hook, punch, block FUCK YOU


i pull up to the stop light
there you are at your bus stop
smoking your cigarette
listeing to your progressive rock

i hope you dont see mee
i dont want you to give me
that goofy smile and a friendly wave
that rips me in half

thats no way
to treat a girl
especially when you
broke her heart

you are wearing mittens
it's summer time
you were always crazy
like that

remember how you liked it
when i painted your toe nails?
and how you made me swear i wouldn't tell
that you kissed a boy?

common light
change green
i dont want him
to see me

oh if only it were so easy
to gun the engin and speed away
just like you walked away
from me

(no subject)

i had always wondered what it would feel like to have everything youd ever hope for and ever cared about just slowly fade away and lose all meaning.

i must say.

its not all i thought it would be.

(no subject)

youd think that after a month and a half
the tears would stop falling.
of course they dont.
ive given up on believing
they ever will.

i want to call you.
i want you to say youre sorry.
to say that youve been a wreck
and that you want to take it all back.

i want to have the strength the turn you down.

i know i wont get either.

i just want to be happy and not cry and not have to pretend im ok.

i want you back.
i dont care on what circumstances.
i just want you back.
i want you to want me back.

i want you to say you loved like you used to.
i want you to hold me
and drive through easton
and hold my hand
and poke me
and ask me a million times if im mad at you.

take me back.

please dont leave me im not ready yet

i really wish i didnt feel this way.
i wish you didnt feel the same way
coz now everything is fucked.
and i dont know what to do.
you say its not me
the reason youre acting this way.
but that doesnt make the nagging feeling in the back of my head go away.

i didnt mean to mess things up even more
i didnt mean to add yet another thing to the list.
and now you dont even want to see me.

and its because i told you.

i didnt even expect anything to come of it
i didnt expect for you to say you liked me back and ask me out.
i dont want that
i dont want a boyfriend now

but i still want to hang out with you
i still want to have another friend
i still want to walk down south st with you in the fall and buy obscure emo cds
and chase birds in the parks.

dont you want that too?
you said you did.
just not right now....
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